Werewolf AU

[primevenison]

He'd had the Christmas break to get used to it. That was... something. Not a lot. Not enough to actually get his head around what the deep, purpling wounds in his calf meant, or how to stop his mum and dad looking at him with that muted grief, or even whether this was his last year of school. After all, one werewolf had been a risk. Two werewolves were...

Two werewolves. Moony and... whoever the hell James was now. Two werewolves was never going to fly with anyone.

Of course, he had advantages that Remus hadn't had. He had wealthy parents with connections, and a good relationship with the Headmaster, and enough knowledge of the situation to remind Dumbledore that making anything public was going to screw everyone over, Godric only knew what it would do to the school's reputation, and Dumbledore himself could kiss goodbye to any kind of teaching job. (With the very definite undertone that James, or rather Monty Potter, would make bloody sure of it. James wasn't above threats at a time like this. Not with Moony's life on the line.) He had, at the very least, bought them all some time. He was pretty sure he'd brazened out any suggestion of Sirius' involvement - even if Dumbledore hadn't believed that James knew for a fact Sirius hadn't told Snape a goddamn thing, James had made it pretty clear that was the story he was sticking to - enough that all four Marauders were there for at least another term. And he'd had the Christmas break to get used to it.

Still, it was a very changed James Potter who came back to school in January. He did his best to hide it, especially at first - in fact, for the first week back, he was actually even louder and more obnoxious than he usually was, hooting and hollering and amping the pranks more than ever. That didn't last. Before long, he'd settled down into... well, not normal. Not anything close to normal. But enough of a facsimile of it to laugh off any suggestion that he wasn't okay. Bad news over the hols, he told anyone who asked, that was all. Rough few months for the Potter clan. It was fine. He was fine.

And then, just when he was starting to fake it semi-convincingly (although it was noticeable that he'd pulled away from both Sirius and Lily Evans to a previously unheard-of extent), the moon waxed to full, and the shit really hit the fan.

He'd almost let himself believe it was all a fuss over nothing. Maybe the bite hadn't been that bad. After all, it had only been one bite, and not the worst bite, and maybe it hadn't been enough to turn him. Maybe all of this would blow over. But the moon waxed, and James' health waned along with Remus'. He missed Quidditch practice, which never happened. He looked sallow, tired, stiff. The morning after the moon, there were only two Marauders at breakfast, eating silently and not looking at each other. The day after that, James left the Hospital Wing without a hint of his usual ebullience, and with a fresh scar snaking across his face.

He headed for the Common Room, hands in his pockets - alone, for once; he and Remus had shared a few words on the way back from the Hospital Wing and agreed that James really wasn't up to being a Marauder today. He was just going to hide in a corner, pretend to nap, and try to figure out just what the hell was going to happen next.

He hesitated halfway in, though, seeing a familiar redhead already in one of the overstuffed chairs. He hadn't spoken to Lily since... well. Before he was this. It didn't seem right. She didn't deserve to get pulled into all that. And, besides, he had no idea what Snape might or might not have told her, the slimy little bastard.

So? He gave himself a mental slap in the face. It's your common room, dickhead. You're allowed to be in it. With a little sigh, he shuffled into the room fully and headed, limping slightly, for his habitual seat near the fire.

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[lancifolium]

There had always been something a little different about Remus Lupin. Lily had caught wind of it the very first time they had met, though she’d written it off as being nervous, and just off the rush of exhilaration that came from being sorted.

The feeling had followed her through the years, sometimes striking her as more apparent than it did at others. As prefects, they made rounds together, and she’d gotten to watch first hand the way he began to change as the month wore on, only to return from a few days in the infirmary right as rain.

Illness, she supposed was the easiest explanation, but that it happened so regularly - like clockwork - defied any conventional conclusion.

Covertly, and purely to satiate her interests (nosey, she was being nosey), she turned to research, but the answers she’d come back with had been jarring enough that Lily elected to leave it alone. It had never been her business in the first place, and now that she’d poked around and gotten a hint as to what she would be in for if she kept trying to paint a clearer picture for herself and solve the puzzle of Remus, she understood why he always seemed so distant, and that was enough clarity for now.

She had no reason to suspect James was experiencing anything similar, even after he returned from holiday shaken, and giving her more space than she could ever recall getting for such a long time. Of course, she’d asked after him and been dismissed, worrying over the vagueries he had offered as an explanation to the previously unthinkable solemn shift in his behavior. Whatever had happened she hoped the Potters pulled through.

When the same sense of weariness that always settled over Remus, settled over James too alarm bells seemed to ring in Lily’s head, making her consider possibilities she would very much have preferred not to dwell on at all. She had no choice but to think about it when both Remus and James failed to show up for the same meals or classes on the same day, Lily’s thoughts returned to the terrain she had not let them rove over the first time she noticed that there was something off about Remus Lupin.

Uncertain as to what she was supposed to do with the knowledge, Lily had tried to focus on her homework instead when her concentration was thoroughly broken by the arrival of James Potter, just the person she didn’t want to think about.

There was no ignoring the freshly healed wound on his face, and though Lily fought to keep her expression neutral, the concern in her bright green eyes made her look solemn all the same.

“Alright James,” she said, her eyebrows raising as she regarded him almost hopefully. Wanting this concern she felt to be all for nothing and him to greet her as sunnily as he had right up until the end of last year.

“I’ve got notes for you from the classes you missed.”

[primevenison]

Being approached by Lily Evans, even on boring, school-related business, had always been a cause for celebration as far as James was concerned. Never mind if she said it didn't mean anything and she didn't even want to be talking to him: when she did talk to him, it was a bright ray of sunshine on his romantic ideals, a tantalising promise that she wasn't entirely out of reach. Talking to Lily, even if it was just the run-up to another rejection, was the highlight of James' day.

Had been.

Now, looking at those green eyes turned on his, he felt his stomach twist and flip for an entirely different reason. The lingering light of romantic illusion only made it worse. He couldn't help but feel that familiar hope, seeing the concern in her face, thinking she's actually worried about me, I knew she cared... then cracking down on it as hard as he could.

He'd taken the piss out of Remus for years now for being shy and retiring, for not wanting people to worry about him and not putting himself out there. He got it now. For the first time in his life, James didn't want to be seen, either - didn't want to be the centre of attention, and most of all, didn't want people to start worrying. If she was worried, then she might get involved, and while he would never stop telling Remus that getting involved with his furry little problem had been worth the trouble, that didn't mean she should get caught up in it too.

He looked away from Lily, flopping down into the overstuffed armchair near the fireplace, and pulled a face. "Come on, Evans. What's the point in pulling a sickie if you're going to make me do the work anyway?" Did he sound normal? What did normal sound like? Normal James would be looking at Lily, right? Current James couldn't bring himself to, all too aware that he was never the best at disguising his feelings, and not wanting her to see the mixture of worry and hope and frustration on his face.

[lancifolium]

While she hadn't exactly appreciated it at the time, the withdrawn way he acted now made her miss the cheerful, ever-present presence of James Potter. He had blamed it on family troubles, and the way something amiss in your family could haunt a person wasn't lost on Lily, who still mourned the closeness she had with her sister, but this seemed like something almost more severe than a hard time at home. He looked drained like the color had been rinsed right out of him, and her fingers worried idly over the edge of the parchment she had been writing on when he entered, studying his face with those bright, serious eyes of hers.

"Would you rather I leave it to the professors to get on you about it?" Lily turned towards the bag she had slung over the arm of her chair and rifled through the contents, producing a slender notebook to hold out for him to take.

"And spare me the teasing, I write quicker with a pencil," she added, raising an eyebrow at him in an attempt to rekindle something that closer resembled the more familiar banter that sparked between them frequently - before he changed. Normally, she believed he would be highly likely to tease her for forgoing the quill to use one of the pencils she brought with her every term. Lily would rationalize that her final assignments were always done properly, with quill and ink, but it was far easier to write as quickly and tidily as she liked to write with a pencil. Quills were messy, and despite the years and gentle ribbing she'd taken from it from classmates, and Professor Slughorn as well she wasn't going to change her mind about it.

At that moment Lily wished he would say something. It would be closer to the James she used to know than this avoidant, subdued version mysteriously missing classes and standing before her now looking like he'd had a rough last few days.

[primevenison]

James squirmed a little under her eyes. He'd always liked how sharp they were, how bright and intelligent. Right now, they seemed to be boring right into him, and he couldn't help wishing she was a little less intelligent, a little less able to look right through him.

Seriously, Evans, you're not gonna like what you see, he thought, and let out a rather strangled little laugh. Godric, how did Remus do this every month? His head felt like it was full of cotton wool, and he knew he was acting weird - acting suspicious - but he just couldn't seem to figure out how to act any other way. Not right now, and not with her.

Clearing his throat, he reached out and took the notebook, looking down at it as if he'd never seen one before. "Uh," he said at last, brilliantly. He should say something about the pencil. Or the notebook. Something witty, something cheerful and a bit stupid and quintessentially Potter. And then she could scoff at him, and toss that gorgeous red hair of hers, and stalk off, and it would be normal, and everything would be fine. "I mean, you know you can get dictation quills, right? I'm just saying."

That... had not been witty. Ugh.

[lancifolium]

It was almost funny, in a way. James had sought Lily's attention for years, and now that he didn't want it, he finally had it. That strangled little laugh did nothing to derail the desire to get to the heart of the matter either, though Lily tried her best to keep her expression as neutral as possible (a doomed venture).

"Dictation quills don't format my notes how I like them," she said dryly before falling quiet again. With a sigh Lily finally tore her eyes away from James, unknowingly granting him a reprieve from the weight of her stare, and looked out the window, reaching up to drum her fingers against her chin, seemingly lost to a moment of internal debate.

"You're not alright James," she said as she turned back to him, unabashed in her concern.

"I know you're not going to tell me so, but should you need to tell someone," again she remembered all the things she'd come so close to discovering when first trying to get to the bottom of Remus's similarly odd behavior. "I'm here to listen."

[primevenison]

As soon as she looked away, James felt himself sag, as if her eyes had been the only thing propping him up. It was halfway a relief, and halfway an unpleasant reminder of just how exhausted he was, just how much he was struggling to maintain a facade of his usual self that wasn't even bloody working.

He didn't perk back up when she looked at him again, not even to the admittedly depressed slump he'd already been in. He just shrugged, pulling one knee up to his chest and resting his chin on it - a slightly more literal prop than her regard had been. Without thinking, he scratched his calf, where - underneath his robes, underneath the jeans he was wearing - an ugly knot of scar tissue still sat, picking up the flesh in ginnels where Moony's teeth had dragged.

"You don't want to know," he said at last, and pulled a face. "Trust me, Evans. If you keep asking personal questions, before you know it, we'll be bonding, and then you'll realise you've fallen madly in love with me."

It was, he reflected, the first time he'd ever used that to try and turn her off getting to know him. That probably said something. He wasn't sure what, and, for the time being, he thought he was probably better off that way.

[lancifolium]

He'd dangled the prospect of her inevitable infatuation in front of her many times over the years, always with that smug enthusiasm that was equal parts endearing and vexing. She hadn't heard it used as deflection before, and Lily wasn't sure how it made her feel, beyond concerned.

"Hardly," she began, trying to play it off. "You couldn't hope to keep up with me on your best day James Potter, now that you've become a bit gloomy I'm certain my company would leave you utterly ravaged." It wasn't much, but it was an attempt to nudge him back to that familiar bravado.

As soon as she'd spoke Lily sighed, frowned again as she approached, her hand coming to rest on his arm. "But, if you do need a friend James," looking up at his face, her eyes stayed on his. "I'll run the risk to be here for you." He was infuriating, but he was very clearly hurting about something, and no matter what her darkest worries might have been she couldn't just drop the matter and give up on him.

[primevenison]

"I'm not gloomy!" he protested - and there was, at least, a spark of his usual self in that indignant tone. Possibly also in what a blatant lie it was, too. Gloomy, though...

No. No, he wasn't gloomy. He was tired, and sick, and sad, and things looked pretty bleak and pretty hopeless, but he wasn't gloomy. Just... off-colour. Sulky, maybe, he could accept sulky. Sulky was on-brand. Even sad could be on-brand. But being gloomy wasn't a Potter thing to do. It wasn't him.

He looked down at her hand on his arm, and there was a small pang of grief at the sight of it. Another thing that was out of place - no matter how much he wanted her to, Lily Evans wasn't in the habit of touching him, or of being this gently concerned about him. It should be a victory to have her worried, but it wasn't. It was just another reminder that nothing was the way it should be.

He sighed. "Thanks," he said, at last, more quietly. He didn't seem to want to meet her eyes, his hazel eyes glancing away from her gaze. "I mean, it's really nice of you to say that. But I've got all the friends I can handle right now." Given the parlous state his relationship with Sirius was in, anyway. Trying to hold that together, through his own fury and Sirius' guilt and Remus not being able to look either of them in the eye, was all the friends he could handle.

[lancifolium]

Of all the things Lily thought James might say, outright declining her offer of friendship was not at all what she saw coming. Surprised enough to unconsciously take a half-step back, her hand withdrew and fall back to her side. It had knocked whatever thoughts she might have had about what was wrong, and how she could help askew and left her reeling inwardly.

"That's got to be a first," she said looking at him before turning to glance around the room, wrestling her own encroaching sense of awkwardness. It was terrible to begin a sentence and then end it before it had really started - but there she was, for once, tripping over her words because James Potter had found a way to worry her to distraction.

Certain that months ago he would have relished the opportunity, she recovered before the abrupt and premature end of that sentence hung in the already awkward space between them. "I didn't think you'd ever try to not talk to me, or anyone." Her eyes seemed to darken with concern as she frowned at him, suddenly fearful.

"James, are you sick?" The truth was so close, but she still couldn't bring herself to face it, no matter how well the pieces fit.

[primevenison]

He almost laughed at that. Only almost, though, and he was glad for that, because laughing out loud would have made it even harder to brush off. Also, he wasn't entirely sure that he'd be able to stop laughing if he started. There'd been a kind of wild hysteria bubbling under the surface for a full month already, and it was going to be a mess if he actually let it out. He'd come close to it in the Hospital Wing that morning, and it was only the fear of what it might do to Moony that had stopped him - knowing that if Moony saw just how close to the edge he was, it would break the poor guy. But even then, he'd laughed hard enough and tearfully enough that he'd seen something uneasy in Pomfrey's eyes, like she thought he'd broken. Maybe he had.

"Yeah," he said, instead, when he was sure he was under control. It wasn't really a lie, after all. It was the important part of the truth, if anything. "Yeah, you got it. I'm sick." He wasn't sure if he wanted her to think he was joking. Maybe it would be easier if she did - actually, no. Not maybe. It would be easier. It might mean she lost her temper and stormed off. That wasn't something he'd ever wanted her to do before, but it would definitely be easier.

But also... she was concerned for him. She was afraid. It tangled into a thick knot in his chest, and he found he was still talking, his voice low and rapid. "I got sick around Christmas, okay? It's serious. They can't cure it. And I really don't want to..." The lump in his throat was back, strangling his voice a little. He coughed to clear it, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. "I'm still getting my head around it. I don't want to talk about it. And I knew if I told you, you'd look at me like that." He hadn't known that. He might have hoped it, a little, despite knowing he needed to let go of love, but he hadn't known she'd even notice. But as long as he was nebulously sick, the truth - I don't want you to get dragged into me being a monster - wasn't going to make any sense to her, so. It would do as an excuse.

[lancifolium]

The way he confirmed her suspicions sat oddly with her. It wasn't that she didn't believe him, but something about everything he presented her with that afternoon made her feel as though it were more of a 'yes, and' rather than just a matter of simple affirmation. She could tell it was a struggle for him to get any of it out - in truth it looked as though he were barely holding it together. It made her feel guilty for pressing him even after he rebuffed her, after saying (rather strangely by her assessment) that he didn't need a friend.

It was an out she had been hoping he would give her for a very long time, but now that he claimed not to want anything to do with her, she felt wrong turning her back and making herself scarce. It was obvious he was hurting. Lily might not have shared the feelings James did for her, but she wouldn't wish the sort of personal discord he seemed to be wading through on anyone.

"I won't press you on it, and I won't," she narrowed her eyes, tilting her head from side to side as though she were attempted to weigh her word choice. "Foist myself on you, but I'll be taking notes for you Potter when you miss class, and you're just going to have to stick your chin up and endure my help."

[primevenison]

James was quiet for a moment, and then he sighed, raking both hands back through his tangled curls. "Okay," he said, his tone more subdued than it should have been. "Okay, Evans. I..." He swallowed, looking down at the notes she'd given him, and stood abruptly, tucking the parchment against his chest. "Thanks. For the notes, and everything. And for worrying about me." He didn't want her worrying, but still, there was no denying the warm sense of gratification it brought. Maybe that was what brought him back to himself enough to give her a much more Potter-like smirk, raising his eyebrows. "Always knew you cared, really."

He even managed a wink, although he didn't feel up to hanging around any more than that. Instead, nudging his glasses up his nose, he bolted, striding away from the corner of the common room and up to the dorms. Sirius might be there, and that was awkward, but at least it wasn't Lily Evans awkward. And at least in the dorms, he could draw the curtains and be more or less left alone.

Once the immediate horror of the situation passed, though, he had to admit, it was nice that she'd cared. It was a pain in the arse, because now he was watching his back every step of the way, and because, Godric, it was hard enough being a responsible guy who didn't drag her into his crap, without her trying so hard to be dragged - but it was nice, even so. Five years of infatuation didn't go away overnight, and he'd spent so long wanting a crumb of any genuine feeling from her that wasn't disgust...

But then, any time he started fantasising about what it might mean, where it might go, he ran smack-bang into the brick wall of his situation. He was a werewolf. He was a werewolf who had been turned at Hogwarts, by the same guy whose secret they'd been trying to hide for years. There was no getting past that. There was no romantic happy ending, here. Her concern couldn't mean anything for him, except that if she kept digging, they were all going to be in danger. Not just him, not just her. Remus. Sirius. Even Peter, who hadn't really done anything, would be in the deep shit.

So, no Evans. No concerns. And next time - as he said to Peter, who was the closest thing he had to a confidante with Sirius and Remus both slinking around their own guilt - he was just going to have to play it off better. It would get easier. Remus had been managing it for years. He just needed to... not be sick.

It wasn't that easy.

The moon started waxing two weeks later, and he felt it more strongly than ever, the wolf in his blood, the waning of his humanity. He kept wanting to throw up, or to scream; he felt like there was a migraine building in his whole body; his temper was on a hair trigger for the last week of the month, and at one point, he made a whole gaggle of first-years cry, yelling at them about running onto the pitch during practice. At least he didn't miss practice, this month, although there were some alarmed murmurs from the Gryffindor team about how they were going to play with a Chaser who kept nearly falling off his broom.

And then the full moon hit. Mindful of what had happened last time, he decided to sneak back to the Common Room as early as he possibly could, sidestepping Pomfrey (Remus, unwillingly, agreed to offer a distraction) and making for Gryffindor Tower while the grey of dawn was still in the sky.

If he'd looked bad the month before, he looked worse now. The treatments hadn't had time to work fully yet, and his brown skin had a horribly greyish tinge, which only made the livid cuts on his face and the suspiciously toothy-looking gouges in his arm stand out more. He looked exhausted, deep shadows under his big brown eyes. But if he could just get through the common room, and back to the dorms, then he could cover all of that up before breakfast, and come downstairs with the others like nothing had happened.

Right?

[lancifolium]

Seeing as how she had absolutely no interest in backing off, Lily spent the following month observing James and Remus from a distance. She respected James' wish to not make any more friends, and gave him space - but that didn't stop her from observing them both. More than anything Lily wanted the close attention she paid to James, silently comparing him to Remus as the weeks passed, to be all for nothing. She wanted to be worried for no reason, and to have ample reason to roll her eyes at herself after her worst fears were put to rest.

None of that happened, however, and instead, as the weeks wore on and Remus began to look ill as he always did, there was James, suffering right along with him. To call it unsettling would do the way she felt little justice. Once, when she thought she had connected the dots about Remus, what they led to was too terrible to consider, and she had backed away - now with he and James both changing as the moon went towards full there was no more ignoring the truth and writing it off as too improbable. The impossible was in fact, very much plausible, as chilling as it was.

Like always, Remus disappeared, now with James, and while she continued to take notes for them both during classes, she waited for them - James especially to return.

Dozing lightly in the common room after a night spent sitting up reading, one eye in the direction of the portrait hole Lily jolted awake at the first sound of footsteps. Blinking blearing in the dim light of the dying fire she sat beside, she held her breath as she watched James' silhouette come into view.

Without knowing what she meant to say or do Lily bit her lip while rising to her feet, ignoring the way she could have used a nice stretch to cross the room quickly, reaching out to touch his shoulder as she looked at him somberly. "You're a werewolf, aren't you?"

There was no sense mincing words, but she kept her voice soft, despite the early hour.

[primevenison]

"Merlin's balls!" James staggered backwards so sharply that he almost fell back through the portrait hole, clutching at his chest in a gesture that was, for once, unintentionally dramatic. The dim firelight gleamed on his glasses, hiding just how wide his eyes had opened, but not doing anything to hide the overall look of horror on his face. He hadn't expected her to be lying in wait like that, hadn't expected her to be ready for him. He definitely hadn't expected her to be onto him.

...Well, all right, maybe that wasn't entirely true. Maybe he had expected it. She was smart, and nosy, and extremely stubborn when she put her mind to it, and there was a reason he hadn't wanted to give her even as much information as he had done. So maybe he'd expected it. But he'd hoped.

And he definitely hadn't expected her to be that blunt.

He looked around wildly, and fumbled for his wand, casting a Silencing Charm as quickly as he could. Even with that in place, he whispered, instinctively lowering his voice.

"You can't just say shit like that, Evans! What if someone believed you?"

[lancifolium]

Once she said it she realized just how long she had been trying not to say it. It was a bell best left unrung, and James's reaction illustrated that with unquestionable clarity.

"I'm right, aren't I?" In retrospect yes, she absolutely should have been quieter when finally voicing aloud the thing she had known she was better off not asking after, but when it seemed as though the moment had come Lily couldn't stop herself. At least now she had the foresight to join him in whispering.

"I've been watching Remus for years, and then when you," Lily winced. "Joined him, I knew what it was." She sighed, looking at him with a pained expression on her face. "I wish I had asked him sooner, maybe I could have been a better friend to him, but you," she nodded firmly. "I don't care what you say, I think you need a friend."

[primevenison]

James was quiet for a long moment, and then he sighed heavily, reaching up to rub one aching and scraped-up hand over his face, knocking his glasses askew in the process.

"You shouldn't've asked him," he said at last, quietly. In some ways, it was a relief, to know she knew the most dangerous secret the Marauders had. It was terrifying, and it put them all in danger, but at least he could stop trying. And she wasn't wrong. "I mean, when we found out... It took all three of us to calm him down, you know. He was so bloody sure he was going to get kicked out, or worse. And it's been an uphill fight to get him to let us help, even when he knows we know." He cleared his throat, limping over to the nearest chair and dropping heavily into it. He looked exhausted. "You know if anyone else puts two and two together, he will. Get kicked out. And he's stuffed if that happens, 'cause he won't let me pay for him, I've offered, and even if nobody comes after him, he's..." He wrinkled his nose, closed his eyes. "There's not exactly a lot of prospects for people with his brand of furry little problem, you know."

Even now, it was hard to actually say the words. Werewolf. Lycanthropy. They were words he and his friends had spent years edging around, and old habits died hard.

"You need to tell Dumbledore you know," he said, after a moment more, opening his eyes and looking at her. "He'll want you to take an Unbreakable Vow. You need to, okay? For Moony's sake. And don't tell Moony you know. Not yet. Please?"

[lancifolium]

Though she had suspected it, that didn't make it any less devastating. As James spoke and what she had once written off as the wildest possible conclusion sank in as the terrible truth of the matter Lily looked on, momentarily silent. Her eyes were wide, taking in his every word as waves of distress seemed to wash off of him in waves, though whether it was caused by the situation or her knowledge of it, she couldn't say.

At the mention of making an UNbreakable Vow for Remus's sake she drew in a deep breath, her expression pinched as she looked towards the chair where James sat, obviously exhausted.

"I will, for Moony's sake, and yours." Lily still couldn't believe it - any of it - that this was happening, that she can come out and simply asked the question that now seemed so obvious it barely required voicing. "What can I do? And don't tell me to keep away from you or I'll send you so many cups of tea from the kitchens you'll be tripping over them." He certainly looked like he could do with a cup at that moment anyway.

[primevenison]

That won a little smile out of him, at least - even a rueful little laugh. It was hard not to, both because it was such a genuinely nice gesture, and because it was so close to what they'd told Remus back when they first confronted him about it.

Well. It had been chocolate cake, not cups of tea. Same principle, though.

He ran his hands over his mouth, glancing up at the staircase to the boys' dorm. "Honestly?" The smile was gone, as soon as it had come. "I don't want you to keep away from me. Not if you don't want to, not if you know. Just..." He was chewing on his lip, and he didn't seem to have noticed that in doing so, he'd reopened a split; there was a bead of crimson swelling under his teeth. "...I know you don't like me a whole lot. But you were kind of right, you know. I... I could use a friend." It felt like a betrayal just to say it out loud, and he hastened to clarify: "I mean, don't get me wrong, the Marauders are still there! It's just... well, Remus blames himself, and Pete keeps apologising for not stopping me, and Sirius..."

He trailed off. It was hard to know what to say about Sirius. Sirius blames himself, too, and he should, because it's his bloody fault. That wasn't fair. And it definitely wasn't something to say to anyone who didn't know all the context.

"...Sirius has a lot on his plate already." That was true, anyway. "You know. Family shit. It'd be nice to have someone I could just... talk to?" He looked away, hunching his shoulders a little. "Solemnly swear not to come onto you."

[lancifolium]

It was obvious that the toll this had taken on him was severe - now that her suspicions had been confirmed and he seemed to stop trying to put on a facade, she could see the way he was wearing thin with startling clarity.

"Right, if you've agreed not to come on to me, then–" Lily puffed out a breath and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him into a tight hug. Holding onto him perhaps a little too tightly she ducked her head down and sighed against his shoulder before lifting her head enough to look over to him.

"You look like you really needed this."

[primevenison]

He couldn't deny it. Not when he melted into her hug, instinctively clinging onto her like a spar in a storm; not when he could feel the tears starting to spill over. He hadn't realised until right now how lonely he was. Remus, Sirius, Peter, his parents... with all of them, it had kept coming back to what had happened, how it had happened, who had been to blame.

Lily hadn't asked about that. Not about any of that. She probably would, in time, but right now, it wasn't even the fact that Lily Evans was hugging him which made him tear up (although that would have had a pretty profound effect on him at the best of times). It was just that someone knew.

Godric, he thought, suddenly. Is this what Moony was going through all this time, before us?

He sniffled, clearing his throat, and tried not to look like he was crying. "...Yeah," he admitted, and laughed a thin, watery laugh. "Yeah, I really did. Thanks, Evans."

[lancifolium]

Lily let her arms go tight around James, hugging him to her as he sank against her, his shoulders tight with emotion. Closing her eyes while she kept hold of him Lily hugged James in silence, letting him get out whatever he needed to get out.

"I can't imagine," she said gently after he pulled himself back together enough to speak again. "I wish Moony didn't keep me out of it, but," she tilted her head back and met James' eye, giving him a firm nod. "I'm happy you'll let me be here for you."

Lifting a hand she reached up enough to push his hair off of his forehead, her eyes narrowing a touch. "You can't copy my homework, but," with a final squeeze, she drew back from the embrace, tilting her head towards the table she had been sitting at. "Want a cup of tea and your notes at the very least?"

[primevenison]

He let out a long, shaky exhale, not quite a laugh, and sniffled. His smile wasn't as bright as usual, but it looked a hell of a lot more genuine. Unsteady, watery - but genuine.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat, and wiped at his eyes, sniffing again. "Godric, yeah. You have no idea how much I could use a cuppa. Pomfrey offered me one, but then she kept fussing while I was trying to drink it, so..."

[lancifolium]

"Come on, sit down, you look as though if you kept on standing your legs might give out from exhaustion." James had looked like he was worn out for a while, but tonight after freshly being discharged from the infirmary it was especially bad.

Lily took this as a sign that she ought to start visiting him and Remus both the next time they were bedridden, her thoughts lingering on how lonely it must be, having to wade through the recovery from the change without a friendly face.

Leaning out to gently catch his forearm with her hand she tugged him closer to the sofa by the fire, her other hand already using her wand to lead the teapot waiting there to lift into the air and pour its contents into one of the cups beside it.

"Are you in any pain?"

[primevenison]

James blinked, settling his glasses back on his nose, and let her lead him meekly over to the sofa. She was right, he had to admit. He hadn't really noticed, until she pointed it out, just how weak in the knees he felt - and not in the way he usually did around Lily, either. Was it possible to be so tired you forgot how tired you were?

Either way, there was no denying that it was an immense relief to flop down onto the soft cushions, as soon as he was close enough. Even the prospect of keeping Lily Evan's hand on his arm wasn't enough to keep him standing, so either he was really exhausted, or he was taking the promise not to hit on her extremely seriously.

"It's not..." He cleared his throat, looking up at her question. "...I mean, Pomfrey took care of all the actual injuries. I think I'm just stiff, mostly? But, like..." His nose wrinkled, and he sighed. "Really stiff. Feels like I got stamped on by a troll."

[lancifolium]

Part of her wished there was a blanket she could pull up around him as he settled back on the sofa. She turned long enough to sort them both out with a cup of tea, handing his off to him before using both hands to cradle her cup, holding it carefully as she sat down beside him.

"I can't imagine, the, er, the process is supposed to be an ordeal on the body." They had learned about it in DADA last term. Lily could recall the lesson well, along with the way she had to stop herself from continuing to look over at the back of Lupin's head and frown pensively.

Now she wished more than anything she had been wrong. "There's a few things due this week, but, if you aren't able to do the legwork perhaps we could meet after class and work together? I'll let you use my notes." It was the easiest way to start supporting him while Lily worked to figure out other ways she could help James get through this.

[primevenison]

"Yeah." He huffed softly, taking the cup in both hands. It felt comforting, just holding it. Tea and company. His mum always had sworn by tea and company to soothe anything. "I mean, I knew it was going to be shitty. We've seen Moony afterwards enough times. But..."

He waved a hand as if to say You know what I mean. Remus was a lot of things, but he wasn't a complainer. He kept his pain under wraps, and even knowing that, it was hard to get a grip on just how much the moons actually affected him. Besides, seeing it was one thing. Feeling it was something else entirely. A few times already, he'd thought of the fact that Remus had been living with this since he was a child, and it made James' heart ache. Which...

Well. One more ache for the pile, he supposed.

He took a sip of his tea, closing his eyes for a moment. What she was suggesting shouldn't have been a difficult decision. It worked on every level, really. He got to hang out with Lily, his grades wouldn't suffer, and he didn't have to be alone. So why was he hesitating?

"Your notes are probably better than Pete's," he admitted, after a moment, and looked up to give her a wry half-smile that almost looked like his own. "I was going to say I've got Quidditch practice, but, well..." His nose wrinkled, and again, there was that little handwave. He sighed, looked back down at his tea. "I'd like that. Thanks."

[lancifolium]

Lily didn't share James's enthusiasm for Quidditch, but she knew how much it meant to him, and the way he seemed to slump even more at the mention of not making practice made her heart ache for him. His life had been turned upside-down, and though he had only just begun to share with her, Lily got the sense that he was finding it hard to get his footing in all the ways he used to be able to.

"Tomorrow afternoon before dinner then - and we can go over the things that are due at the end of the week, so you're prepared." After a brief moment of internal debate, Lily wrapped her arm around James's shoulders, drawing him close again. He still looked like he needed a hug, and she was holding him to the promise of not hitting on her.

"This is only until you're back to your usual self of course," Lily chanced a playful smile in his direction, teasing him while trying to enforce the idea that he would bounce back from this. He was James Potter, after all, he was larger than life when he wanted to be. "Don't want you getting spoiled because I'm fussing over you and you aren't even poorly."

[primevenison]

"Damn. You've ruined my master plan." It was a bit of a limp response, but at least he was trying, and the words were the usual Potter nonsense, even if the tone was lacking. He smiled back, leaning against her shoulder, and closed his eyes. He didn't give two hoots about what was due at the end of the week - who cared? It wasn't like he was going to be able to get a job after school anyway, once word got out about his own furry little problem - but he was grateful anyway. It was enough that someone else was taking charge, if only of one or two things, if only for a little bit. Ever since the incident, he'd felt like he had to carry the whole business himself. Remus was wracked with guilt, Sirius was a mess, Peter was... Peter, and the only other people who knew were his parents, whose fussing and care had never felt so awkward or unwelcome.

And, anyway, it was his job. It always had been, whether they admitted it or not. He was a leader, down to the bone. It just... sucked, sometimes, when you needed to collapse instead.

"Evans?" He didn't open his eyes, and his voice had lowered again, despite the Silencing Charm. "I, uh... just so you know. If you need someone to complain to. You should probably know that Sni... that Snape knows, as well."

[lancifolium]

His efforts in bantering sounded as tired as she knew he had to be, but she breathed out a laugh as she tilted her head to the side, resting it against his, her eyes closing as well.

There was a lot that had yet to sink in for Lily - the long-term complications that would plague James and Remus both once they were out from the protective umbrella she imagined Dumbledore and the other professors must provide would be something she dwelled on, but not just then.

Even if her thoughts had managed to go down that particular road they would have been derailed. When James mentioned Severus knowing what had happened Lily felt her heart still in her chest, the news sitting in her stomach like a lump of ice, leaving her uncertain how to process this piece of information.

After a long moment of quiet Lily drew a breath before speaking in a voice that matched his in softness, "I don't think complaining to Severus about you would help anybody."

[primevenison]

He sagged a little more, relieved, and let out a small huff of laughter. "Thank Godric for that, 'cause I really don't want to know what he'd say about the whole mess."

Not about him - it wasn't like it was any secret that he and Snape hated each other's guts, and at this point, there wasn't anything the slimeball could say about James that would actually sting. But if Lily talked to Snape about any of this, then Sirius' part in it was going to come out, and while James had felt it was only fair to let her know who else was in on the secret, he really didn't want her to know about that. Not when Sirius was already in such a funk, and not when Lily was the one person who knew about the bite who didn't know it was Sirius' fault. James might still be angry at his friend, but he still cared about him, too. He didn't want to make things worse.

He shifted a little, tightened his hands around the mug of tea. For a moment more, he was silent - and, truthfully, struggling not to fall asleep on her shoulder - but then he cleared his throat, frowning a little.

"You know what would help? You using that amazing brain of yours to help me come up with a better alibi. 'Cause I've got a cold isn't really cutting it, huh?"